MLB’s Sheer Pants Spurring Jokes as New Uniforms Remain Talk of Spring

Games are only just starting and 2024 is already shaping up to be the Year of the Dong. Rob Manfred has long been viewed by many as the emperor with no clothes, so it’s fitting that MLB players now look like they’re wearing next to nothing. The new “performance jerseys” manufactured by Nike and Fanatics apparently use lighter fabric that can’t accommodate the larger numbers and letters everyone was used to, but it’s the pants that are drawing more attention of late.

Those pants are so thin even Ángel Hernández can see through them. I’ve seen lingerie that leaves more to the imagination. Wait, what if Clark the Cub hasn’t actually been bottomless at all but has simply been beta-testing this new gear the whole time? Mind. Blown.

If the league’s apparel partners can’t produce something less sheer, Pat Hughes’ first description of the new trousers is going to have to be sponsored by Adam and Eve. It’s like the old polyester rags — shout out to Data from The Goonies — had a baby with a pair of fishnets. Jesse Rogers reported that a player told MLBPA executive director Tony Clark that he was considering a trip to Dick’s Sporting Goods for backup pants, which is funny because, well, you know.

Ed. note: MLB, Nike, and Fanatics are working to adjust various fitting details of the uniforms based on player feedback.

And just so we’re clear, it’s funny because…Dick’s. True story: I had a former coworker many years ago who tried to do a little online shopping at well before the retailer had purchased what was once a less family-friendly URL. As you can imagine, he was thoroughly embarrassed as his screen was inundated by an endless stream of explicit pop-ups. Those were the days, man.

It seems from the outside that MLB doesn’t know what it’s doing, but maybe this is all part of the plan. After all, the league already added a pitch clock and changed the rules around stolen bases in an attempt to make the game a little sexier. Perhaps they’ve just taken a more literal tack this time. I do wonder, however, whether efforts to hasten pace of play will be thwarted by the fact that every batter is going to see two balls.

Aside from the shoddy appearance of the uniforms, my only real complaint is that we missed out on so much juvenile humor. Not that there’s been any shortage of jokes here and elsewhere already. But imagine how much material we’d have if Bobby Cox, Dick Pole, and Pete LaCock were still around. The latter would have looked particularly sporting in his Cubs pinstripes.

The new iterations of those home whites are being prepped for ad patches on their sleeves, a development that seems inevitable as more than half the league has already done the same. If the Cubs really wanted to capitalize on the moment while staying true to Chicago, they’d see about selling a fly patch to The Wiener’s Circle.

Apologies to those who came into this harboring the belief that it would bear even a slight whiff of journalistic integrity. Most of you should probably know better by now, but I suppose a poor unsuspecting soul or three may have expected a more earnest article before finding they’d wandered into a minefield of dick jokes. Wait, no, this shit is funny and I’m really only sorry if you don’t have a sense of humor about it.

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